PARLAY PETES PUNISHMENTS

QUICK PARLAY PETE UPDATE

Through 4 weeks of the NFL season we have made 13 official 5-leg parlays. Removing the one winning parlay, we have gone a cumulative 21 and 32 win loss record, so ... .not great. Fun fact from this week - “Redbeard the Hunter” has already had 2 of his bets cancelled this season due to injury in the first quarter. I guess that's why they call him Hurt Boy Hunter. 

I still hold a lead in the overall record of Parlay Pete, but Wreckless Walker is hot on my tail with a hot start to 2026/2027. So if things don’t start turning around for me I might need to revisit that algorithm discussed in yesterday’s post (go read it for me).

I am hearing some of the Parlay Pete Quattro have some guest blog posts brewing so keep an eye out for those. You will want to hear from any of the 5 of us that are in 3-5 fantasy leagues at any given time together and also doing some degenerate gambling on the side (i.e., at least once a week). If we’re lucky, we may get a lore of the World Fantasy Wrestling Federation - and possibly a return??

FANTASY PUNISHMENTS

Ah, punishments for losing your fantasy league - a time-honored tradition that is a real litmus test for the camaraderie in any given league. Everyone needs to be on board, because one failure to accept the punishment will forever taint the ruling. I’m sure you are all familiar with the punishments that regularly go “viral” but if you are not doing it purely for your own group’s enjoyment you are asking for trouble.

The Aaron Hernandez League is a true democracy, with the punishment being voted on before the season begins. Last season, Ulyssess Underbettor himself was the last place finisher and had to accept the agreed upon punishment; going fully costumed to a movie showing. Now, if you knew Ulysses, you would know that he would probably do this of his own volition because he loves attention, but it was still a great joy of my life to see him dressed up in a cheap and ill-fitting Spiderman costume at a small-town Chilis as we pre-gamed Spiderman: Brand New Day (a B movie at best (not a Bee Movie, that’s something else)).

Ulysses Underbettor seen here accepting his punishment with grace. And yes, he is wearing shorts so that he doesn’t get arrested for the most indecent of exposures. 

I can only hope that should I ever finish last in the Aaron Hernandez League I follow through on the punishment with such aplomb. The rule we adopted in the AHL was that the loser of the previous year (Ulysses) gets to propose 3 potential punishments for the next year to be voted on and they were:

1. The Ironed Man

1. Loser must complete 10% of an iron man competition in a full suit

2. The Hot One

1. Loser must complete a hot wing eating challenge at a local restaurant dressed in short shorts and a crop top

3. Play Dress Up

1. See last year’s punishment

In an election as rigged as redacted The Ironed Man took the vote and now the nation waits to see who will need to take on this challenge. I am sitting pretty at 4-0 but I’ll be working on my stamina and researching comfortable suits just in case. 

WE GOT MERCH

Who is Parlay Pete? That will be what everyone is asking you when you show up in an official WPP hat and/or shirt. If you buy merch maybe I’ll let you pick a leg of next weekend’s parlay, I don’t know. 

Keep an eye out for Pals of Parlay Pete merch; the gears are turning.